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And it goes on and on and on....

Sometimes I really do not like this country at all, at times like now I could be tempted to use the word despise. I know I am supposed to be all patriotic and sing 'blessings on the land that I love" and believe me I do but not out of love rather out of the mere fact that we NEED all the blessing we can get in this country. The reasons may be different but we may need even more blessing in this country than a lot of others.

I say all this because I do not believe that we really have freedom. Not because of the our government but because of how our society 'rolls'. Yes we get to vote but we live in a society where so much (almost ALL) of our lives are governed by all the institutions we as a country and the people who guide it have set up. I guess I should really say I love this country and despise this society. I will get into exactly what I am so riled up about momentarily but for now I will tell you what I think might be nice...

I would like to live somewhere that I could live a lot more simply. Maybe we would have a farm and just sustain ourselves, or simple would be living in a developing nation where the store was just a walk away, or maybe that would just be my husband working a nine to five job. I really don't know because the only life I have is the one I lead. Do not get me wrong I LOVE my life and my wonderful little family. But currently I would like to transplant my life outside of this rat race.

In this country today so many individuals are living trying to get out of mounting debt, and still creating it in the process. I pray we will be out of this cycle shortly but that does not get all the other Americans or our country out of it, so when we are debt free we will continue to live in a society that is blinded by debt. All of us are trying to pay off some medical bills, I can guarantee, because insurance is such a problem and the medical world is so expensive. This country and its people are all about the dollar, from those taking advantage of welfare to those suing others to gain more. We all feel entitled and think every one owes us. Really people. When will we all figure out that the state of our lives is only what we make it or have made of it. No one owes except us.

A lot of days happiness is a choice to be made, and today I am trying to chose happy.

All that said I need some ibuprofen.

blessings, birds, and books.

So this is going to be quite random but just stay with me.

blessings...

I was having a rough day a few days ago. I had been praying throughout the day and at one point, while peeing I amy add :) I asked to be given a scripture that applied to what I was feeling and going through. I am going to preface this before I go on- I have asked God to "give" or "show" me a scripture before and one will come into my head. So I go read it and it has always seemed that it was not at all pertaining to what was going on, each time I felt I had come up with the scripture and God had given me nothing. I am sure this was due to me not listening and instead thinking, and also not trusting that God is capable of giving and I am capable receiving. So back to the other day- as I was peeing a prayed yet again for a scripture. Psalms and then 15 seemed to pop into my head. so after I laid Tatum down I opened up my Precious Moments Bible from my childhood and read. Chapter 15 helped and then the ones to come after filled my heart with exactly what it needed even more than 15th chapter of Psalms did.

The one verse that has stuck in my head and I have been repeating each time I become frustrated or stressed yet again is this "Preserve me O God for in you I put my trust"

There was so much else. But that has been on repeat in my head and heart.

All that to say I felt so blessed and amazed. I feel and felt like I had accomplished something in my walk that is so big and true testament to the relationship I am in with Him. I feel so fulfilled and grown. I have what it takes to listen and receive! Hallelujah! I knew I did but letting all go and allowing it to happen is amazing! I have come a long way just this week! Wonder what id in store for next week!

next...birds.

I was watching the birds outside my window as I was trying to catch some shut eye while Tatum was napping since she is currently waking up all night long. There was a male and a female bird bouncing around in the drizzle looking for food and instead of sleeping I started thinking-

Why did God make the male birds pretty and the female birds so plain? One wold think it would be the other way around. I think I figured it out. It seems to me that most of the animal kingdom the male is the one trying, vying for attention from the other sex. Examples: Male birds are more colorful and beautiful, deers in rut fight for a doe's affection. Other Males animals do this fighting as well. So my conclusion is that Gods intention in all creation was for the Male to do all the work. Hear me out.

I don't think it was God's desire for us females to feel like we need to dress a certain, be a certain size, show a little skin, flirt, flash a smile, flutter our eyelids, ----basically throw ourselves all over the men we want. No it was not. It was God's desire these men to pursue us, wholeheartedly, fight for us, dress nice for us.

My wonderful husband pursued me for a while and it was the most wonderful feeling (I will say I kinda took advantage of it :) ) Once the race is one by the men, then women should step up and be seductive and dress to impress their winner of a husband. I dont mean to sound over the top because I am not. What I am saying is men should be the pursuers and women should stop throwing themselves out there like pieces of meat so much. Take a lesson from the birds.

books.

I go back to school next week and part of me is dreading it and another part of me is excited. Pray for me as I juggle school, wife, mother duties. It is going to be a long road ahead.

I believe in a God of new life!

For the past, I don’t even know how long emphysema has been slowing and ever more taking away my Grandma’s oxygen supply. She had stopped smoking but the damage had already been done and for the past years she has been living with less and less lung function and more and more tubed in oxygen.
I am so amazingly happy to announce this is not to be the case any longer.

On the night of Thanksgiving my grandma got a phone call that there was a lung awaiting her arrival. She drove to UCLA and the next afternoon received a new lung!!! After a 24 hour ordeal she is doing amazingly well! Apparently they will slowly wean her off the oxygen. After however many years she will not be reliant on a tube giving her her breath.

The whole concept of a lung transplant astonishes me….how could something so vital to life be taken from one and given to another. However it works it is miraculous and only a miraculous God could orchestrate such a thing!
This lung is a start of life anew from my Grandma and I believe that my God of love has given this gift to our whole family.

It amazes me that God created our bodies in such a way that our parts could be used in another’s body. But what an amazing gift given unto us!
With all the intricacies I do not understand how it is even possible, all the blood vessels and capillaries and such to fuse from one to the other!

I am in awe and so thankful for this gift! I can not wait to see my beautiful Grandma at Christmas breathing anew!

Living in twilight.

Laying in my bed after a middle of the night feeding, nestled up against my husband and listening to the sounds of my daughter attempting to put herself back to sleep. I cannot help but think of how in love I am with the man lying next to me. It is in these moments where my thoughts are completely my own. No one to interrupt or thoughts to overpower mine. Hearing Tatum’s quiet babbling and grunts remind me of how much I need to savor every moment, They are fleeting and the dishes and house cleaning can wait. My sweet baby girl can take her nap on my chest tomorrow if it so happens and I will savor every moment rather than worry about the dishes that sit undone. Listen to her breathing, smell her scent, and feel her warm little body snuggled close. My husbands snoring and loud breathing usually an obnoxious noise keeping me awake in these moments after a feeding make me love him all the more. He is the man of my dreams as cheesy as that is. He wakes up in the morning and lets me sleep while he and his beautiful daughter chat on the couch. He is hurrying home these days to spend time with us before the Munchkin goes to bed. He lets me squeeze up close to his warmness after I feed without complaint although I know I am cold next to him. He can cook when I don’t feel up to it. He works so hard so I can stay at home for now. He is wonderful and I am so in love with him. You think a tired mom would go to sleep as fast as possible after a night feeding but it is in these moment I lie awake and feel immense love for my small little family. Why this time I have no idea but every night, well early morning between 2 and 5 this is what I am thinking while snuggled up close to my husband with my sweet girl making precious grunt noises from her crib.

Feeding, Sleeping, Living

I love being a Mama to my amazing little girl!

I have such an amazing little one!

I really can't imagine my life having taking any other direction! And I already don't want to think about how hard it will be to go back to school!

I love me some Tatum Lee!

The Birth of Tatum Lee

As I hold Miss Tatum Lee and watch her sleep I cannot help but replay the last 24-48 hours in my head.

All the emotions, happenings, love, and prayers have been and are so overwhelming that I know I will not ever be fully able to express them to anyone.

Before I go on I will say to anyone who has had a really long and hard labor, don’t get too jealous while reading, my dues came at the end J

I had a crazy crazy labor my midwife was puzzled by it and I was even more at a loss to what the heck was going on. As crazy as it was, I was blessed by God at how things progressed throughout labor and for this I am truly grateful. As my midwife said I could consider myself having had an extremely long labor (over a week) or a short labor (2 hours or so).

I went in to an appointment on Wednesday the 8th and was 4cm dilated 50% effaced and started losing my mucous plug. I was not due until Monday but they were expecting me to most likely be back before then in labor…. Monday passed and not much. I had some contractions on Sunday during church but they decided to stop.

So we went back in for an appointment on Wednesday the 15^th and I was 6cm and 80% effaced and she was at a station 2 - still no contractions.My midwife proceeded to ask me "Are you sure you aren't in labor?" and I replied "I don't know you tell me." So my midwife sent us home and said to try the whole castor oil thing. I was hesitant since I have heard so many horror stories but since I was already so progressed I decided to give it a try. It went down fine with some sherbert and a shake but then the last sip sent me to the commode. It really was nice to get it out of my system and I felt better after that. I then proceeded to play cards with Gretchen and was having to focus on whether or not I was having contractions or not. They were so slight and very irregular. My midwife had said that morning to go in as soon as I felt anything so I called her and told her I could barely feel much of anything every once in awhile. She said to come back in so she could at least check me to see if I had progressed at all from that morning.

When we got back to the clinic I was 8 cm and 100% effaced! Still with barely feeling much of anything!

So even though my contractions were not screaming ‘labor’ she wanted us to stay because she expected when I did start feeling the contractions she would come fast and she would be born where ever we might be….little did we know it would still be over 7 hours before she would show her beautiful face to the world!

So we checked into the clinic at 5pm on the 15^th.

I still was not feeling much of anything. We watched “When Harry Met Sally” and Evan played his guitar for a while while I munched on some fruit. Tried to get things rolling by walking, lying down, sitting on the birth ball and all sorts of other things. Still when my midwife would ask me if I was having a contraction my famous line was “I don’t know…” Once I got to 9cm I finally felt them! They were pretty intense and the moaning began, my best guess was that that was at around 10:45pm.

In another hour or so I began pushing. I don’t think there is any way to describe the feeling. It was my most ‘painful’ (if I would even call it that) part of labor but it was incredible. It was amazing and perfect to have Evan beside me encouraging me through and my mom at the end of the bed smiling and encouraging me along as well. I will say that crowning was painful but nowhere near as painful as the rest of the evening’s crazy events. Feeling her make her way all the way out into this world and hearing her sweet cry was nothing less than miraculous! Instantly she was brought to my chest and she stayed there for quite a while. It was the best feeling ever to finally have her in my arms after all those months of growing to love her!

Evan cut the cord and then the craziness really began!

My placenta was apparently not as ready as Tatum was to be birthed and would not come out. As a Midwife outside of a hospital Vicky could not legally try and remove the placenta because I if I began to hemorrhage I needed to be at a hospital where they could take care of it in a timely manner. So an ambulance was called and I was taken to the hospital to hopefully birth my placenta. As all this was happening Evan was holding his beautiful daughter for the first time, he said it beautifully on the way home from the hospital. He said, “It was difficult and weird feeling to be starting to love this new life in front of you and being torn as you are worried about this other love you have known for awhile."

It was not necessarily an emergency yet but could turn into one quite quickly. The longer my placenta stayed in the more the cramping hurt. I really had to focus on my breathing so I was getting enough oxygen and didn’t pass out as they were getting me into the ambulance. Evan came with me to the hospital and my mom stayed with Tatum at the clinic as the rest of the grandparents arrived. It was hard to leave her so soon after meeting her, at this point I was kind of out of it but still the feeling of leaving her was not the best feeling ever.

We got to the hospital and thankfully I was able to push my placenta out my self (the other option if I couldn’t push it out was surgically removing it). I had started to bleed quite a bit at some point but after the placenta was out it stopped pretty quickly. I believe this was due all the prayers that were surrounding us. The Doctor at the hospital was actually quite relieved and impressed at how things turned out.

Anyways the 2 or so hours at the hospital before the placenta was out were awful! I was in a lot of pain and was so tired at that point that I was NOT handling it well. Finally I was able to see my baby again after everything went down…. it had been close to 3 hours with both of us away from her!!!!

The whole experience and now the first few days of being a mama are so surreal. Birthing this beautiful child and being able to feel everything my body would allow me to feel J was absolutely amazing. I am loving learning to be a mom and we are loving the first days of parenthood!

We are so in LOVE! And God is sooooo GOOD!